Some puns

I was at a festival dressed like an owl so I started making owl puns. It was an absolute hoot, but the puns were bad. In the end I think my best pun wasn't even owl related: Halloumi

I saw a halloumi stand, set about figuring out which country halloumi is from (greece I think?) and then constructed my joke:

What do you say to your greek doppelganger?

Halloumi!

This is also very creative

ERB

I love this series so much

so good

Style Models

Tadpole Hitler | Derek fan site: Exclusive interview with Karl Pilkington - An Idio...: How do I introduce Karl Pilkington? How do I complete this (pointless) opening blurb on the man who Ricky once called ‘the funniest man ali...


And this Ali G interview, copied in full because I'm worried about filters:

Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off?

Subject: Ali G interview with Madonna!!!

Ali: Selecta!! I is ere wiv none uver dan da Queenie Mum of pop muzic,
Madonna. Check it!!

Ali: So Madge, is you really preggers or as you just got a
spare tyre up your jumper?

M: No, I am five months pregnant, Ali.

Ali: Wicked. So you ain't bin frough da menaplaws yet den?

M: No, I thought I'd better have another baby before my time ran out,so to speak.

Ali: Aiiih, fer real. An who is da dad? Does you even know who da dad is?

M: Of course I know who the father is. It's my boyfriend,
Guy.

Ali: An is e related to dat geezer who make all da fireworks for bonfire night?

M: No, he's a film director. He directed 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'.

Ali: Wow, dat is a wicked film. Did you know dat Vinnie Jones once grabbed Gazza's balls an squeezed em till Gazza started cryin. Dat was bad, man. Respec to Vinnie, but if e did dat to me I'd knock im spark out wiv da one inch punch.

M: I've met Vinnie and he is a very nice guy actually.

Ali: Whatever. Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off?

M: Actually Ali, I am sometimes referred to as the
*Material* Girl.

Ali: But dat is a bit stupid, innit? Every time I sees
you, you ain't even wearing any material. You is usually
stark bollock naked, if you ekscuse me french.

M: That's not true. I did write a book called 'SEX' a
while ago and appeared nude in several photos, but that was
more artistic than pornographic.

Ali: Aiiih, me mate Dave borrowed me dat book an you was
showing your punnani on nearly every page. Well, all da
pages dat were stuck togever after me mate Dave kept
spillin is coffee on dem. Well, dat is what e told me, but
I fink e was usin it to crack one off, if you know what I
mean?

M: I think I know what you mean Ali. Boys will be boys.

Ali: Fer real, an you don't mind im crackin one off all
over you?

M: No, not at all. I'm quite flattered actually.

Ali: You wouldn't be sayin dat if you saw Dave. E is
mingin. Anyway,in one a dem pictures you is gettin it from
behind by dat Vanilla Ice. Me mate Dave reckoned you was
takin it up da ass, but me Julie says dat you is too classy
for dat.

M: I wasn't taking it in either orifice.

Ali: Why's dat? Couldn't da Ice Ice Baby get it up? Cos I
erd e is batty boy.

M: No, it was just a photograph. Nothing was going on. It
was a book about fantasies, that's all.

Ali: Aiiih. But as you ever takin it up da Gary Glitter?
Or is dat a personal question?

M: I have had all kinds of sex in my time, Ali. I've tried
everything, including anal sex.

Ali: Wicked. Now me Julie ain't got no excuses. Next time
she says no, I'll tell er if it's good enuff for Madonna,
it's good enuff for a bitch from East Staines.

M: You shouldn't force someone into doing it Ali.

Ali: No, me just slide it in an pretend it was an
accident.

M: No, Ali.

Ali: Anyway, what about dat Naomi Campbell? Did you really
av a lez up wiv er while Big Daddy Kane was watchin? Cos
dat is eksactly da fing I wants me Julie to do. She can get
jiggy wiv one of er mates from da airdressers, maybe Becky
or dat Sally bitch, an all I is askin is to watch. Den
maybe join in when dey is gaggin for a cock.

M: I've heard that is a fantasy for most men. That is why
I put it in the book.

Ali: Fer real. So I ain't a pervert den, like me Julie
keeps tellin me.

M: No, not at all.

Ali: Fer real. I is in for a treat tonight. A freesome, an
up da batty for Julie when me gets home.

M: Only if she wants to Ali.

Ali: Whatever. Was you really a virgin when you sang dat
'Like A Virgin'?

M: No. It wasn't literally about being a virgin. It was a
metaphor for how someone can make you feel when they touch
you.

Ali: On da punnani?

M: No, anywhere.

Ali: Me know what you is sayin. Me Julie said she
was a virgin da first time I shagged er in da changin
rooms of da John Nike Leisure Centre. But den I shagged er
again a few momphs later after da all-night drum'n'bass
party an she told me she was a virgin den too. I fink she
was lyin da second time.

M: I think she might have been lying the first time as
well.

Ali: Is you sayin me Julie as been wiv someone else?

M: Maybe.

Ali: Dat is it. I is dumpin er. I ain't goin wiv no
slapper. Anyway, I erd dat is you knockin on fifty. Ain't
you fought about retirin? Surely you as got enuff squid in
da bank.

M: Actually, I'm only in my early forties. And I will
never retire, even after I have my second child. I love
work too much.

Ali: Den you is mad. If I ad as much squid as you
I'd just sit back an chill wiv da biggest spliff in da
world an listen to speed garage all day. Now I know why you
is called MADonna, cos you is MAD.Anyway, fank you
Madonna

M: Why, thank you Ali. And would you like to be in my new
video?

Ali: Aiiih, wicked. As long as dere ain't no batty boys in
it like dat Rupert Everest. Dis time you can bounce on a
real man's lap, if you know what I is sayin. Respec. So, to
all you bitches out dere. If your boyfriend aks you to take
it up da ass or av a freesome e is not a pervert. Me main
girl Madonna ere says it's cool.
West side!

AS work

So You Think You Are Normal: A Human's Guide

This is an ode, a love letter and an apology to all those out there who just wanted to be normal.

07/10/2013                    Isaac Hampson

Karl Pilkington, a man so normal that he's abnormal. Is this really the everyman?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I wonder what the heck is this strange hairless little pink creature with the gangly limbs and wet holes in it's face. It's a wonder we can even tolerate each-other's presence, let alone be physically attracted to one another. Beyond our physical appearance, our behavior is positively absurd, particularly the ways in which we communicate. Say the word 'chomp' aloud to yourself. Weird, right? Think about the last time you saw someone applaud a performer. They liked what they saw, and they decided to show that by slapping the flesh of one hand into the flesh of the other hand, creating a strange 'clap' sound each time. What is the difference between a human clapping their hands and a gorilla beating it's chest? There is none!

As a human child, I wanted to be nothing more and nothing less than 'normal'. When I think about it now, I'm not really sure what that meant. Did I want to be an asian male with dark hair and brown eyes? No. But surely, as the most common archetype of appearance, that is normal. So already my idea of normal was skewed by my past experiences. Perhaps I had based it off of the cultural norms of my particular corner of the world? Did I want to be a humble office worker, going to work everyday from nine til five, going home to my average looking wife with two average kids, one boy and one girl? Heck no! If not that, it's possible I wanted to be whatever was 'normal' for me as an individual. Thinking about it though, it seems unlikely. Normal for me was 'a man who has a desk job and nothing bad ever happens to him'. My very idea of normal was abnormal, clearly I was doomed to be interesting from the start. As I grew up, I accepted that I would never be normal, and neither would anyone else. It was unattainable. Instead, I settled for life. I accepted my lot and decided to move on and do what I could with it.

The problem is, we are too accepting of everything. We don't ask enough questions! The other day, I found myself sitting on the bus home from college. Around me was a myriad of different persons, each one adorned with colorful fabrics and accessories. It reminded me of the humble peacock, whose success in mating is largely determined by the flamboyance of its tail. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! These little monkey-men had developed a whole aesthetic based on culture and opinion! Incredible! Furthermore, they had created a huge lumbering juggernaut of wrought iron and twisted steel, and put it to work as a mule carting passengers to and from their daily business, provoking little fear, awe or curiosity in it's riders! Naturally I was shocked by this self-realization, and my mind immediately set to work searching for more of these social phenomena. What other societal norms have we taken for granted? I had to know!

In the end I had to look no farther than myself. There I was, sitting on the bus pulling on my facial muscles in order to increase the width of my oral cavity because I had been amused by my thoughts. Most erratic behavior for a creature of Earth. Then I stepped off the bus with my awkward stilt-puppet legs, pivoting from one to the other. Looking at my feet, I wondered at the skill it took to continue my forward movement. First, I would lift up my forward foot. This would disrupt my balance, causing me to lean forwards. Then, swinging my arms to counterbalance my back leg, I bought it forward and placed it in front of me to steady myself. Then, my momentum carried me forward and I found that once again, I had overbalanced and would need to put my back leg in front of me to stay standing. My entire walk from the bus stop continued in this manner. By the time I got through the door of my house, I was constantly on the lookout for more examples of human behavior. Unfortunately, I became distracted by a glowing window through which I could see people like myself pretending to be ridiculous caricatures of humans. Transfixed by this magical portal to lands far away, I rested in my search for these abnormal conventions of everyday life.

The next time I woke up in the middle of a crazy bit of behaving was during a conversation between a few individuals. Listening to the cry of these rare and proud animals, I could not describe to myself exactly what a human sounds like. There was lots of gibbering and hooting, mixed in with clicks and coos. And this was in a language I have spoken all my life. Imagine my amusement when I spent some time in the company of a slightly different breed of human known as the 'Polish' people, named so for the arbitrary boundary between their territory and the rest of the world known as 'Poland'. Despite listening with all my focus, I could not discern a single ounce of meaning from members of my own species! What were these strange word formations coming out of their mouths? Even more amazing, the particular Polish human I had found myself attached to based on the strength of their social gibberish was able to freely switch between Polish language and English nonsense at will! A highly talented individual, clearly. It almost made me laugh out loud.

Laughter is a funny thing. I believe it to come from the same place as the hand-collisions we do that make the 'clap' sound. Laughter is supposedly something we developed as a way to communicate diffused tension. If you have ever been in some kind of trouble and felt under terrible pressure or stress at the time, then found yourself laughing with feelings of relief moments later, that is how laughter started. That strange, whooping cry was a way to say 'That tiger in the bushes over there turned out to just be George from down the road'. Somehow though, it entered our social processes. We enjoy the feeling of laughter, and causing others to laugh. Now we do it almost every day for no other reason than that it keeps us happy. How absurd.

But this raises an even more interesting point. As a child, I thought that if I grew up to be normal, that would be equal or conducive to growing up happy. But is being happy normal? I would like to say yes, of course, but this certainly deserves some deliberation. First of all lets look at the western world. Europe and America. These areas have the highest average quality of life ratings and yet also have the highest rates of clinical depression. Then we look at Asia, which has incredibly varied qualities of life due to the rich-poor divide. Like in the west, most people seem content with their lot in life, but conditions there are clearly less conducive to a comfortable lifestyle than we in England are used to. Finally, we look at Africa, a continent with some of the most unique and flavorful culture and people living humble but happy lives, but is also a sort of petri dish for humanity's greediest and depraved criminals, bending entire nations to their will. Not a single place on Earth would seem to be even close to paradise, at least not for everyone. If everyone has different ideas of what it is to be happy, how can we decide who is happy and who isn't? Was Adolf Hitler happy committing atrocities against ethnic minorities? If so, why did his hapiness have to come at the price of others?

Ah well. No answers will be reached here, and if they, they will be unimportant answers to unimportant questions.

Sorry if you're not normal anymore, it wasn't my intention to upset you.

Some new words

Rectopholymene - The substance left behind when an unstoppable force meets the immovable object.

Timography - The study of knowing what time it is and exactly how long it is until dinner.

A highly unreliable narrator

[Excerpt from the police interrogation of Dean-Paul Rutherford, August 15th 2007. Officer on duty: Sgt Robert Cooke]

"Before all yous start finkin' it was me what done it, I can tell you right now it ain't even close to the truth. It was Little Dan, I seen 'im with me own two eyes. I always knew he was a nutter. Big Dan and Chris ain't street smart like me, you see. I could tell from the day we met him he was gonna end up in the slammer eventually, and now look. Open and shut case if you're asking me. Didn't even take much to get 'im to do it. It was cause of his pa, I reckon. Back when we were skipping school at his 'ouse his pa would always get off on humiliating him, calling him gay, stuff like that. He'd always tell us about how one day he would be 'the big man' and that things would change. It's why we called him Little Dan even though he was way bigger than our Big Dan. For a joke, like. Anyways, me, him, Big Dan and Chris were on the way back from The Anchor after a night on the piss when these little gits who live up the road start having a go at us, pelting us with McDonalds and the like. Anyway, Little Dan starts muttering and cursing talking about how he's supposed to be 'top dog' now and all that bollocks. We've been hearing it for years, but we knew he didn't have the balls to ever do anything. This time though he was all twitching and spitting like a crackhead. That's when... (Dean-Paul sobs) that's when he pulled the knife, right in front of us. Chris tried to hold him back from them bloody nobhead kids but Little Dan wasn't 'aving any of it. Straight into our Chris's shoulder. It's a miracle 'is arm didn't fall off. Big Dan tried to take the knife away but he's never been any good in a scrap. Little Dan did him right in with that little kitchen knife, and started shouting and screaming like h was mental, all like 'That's what you tossers get when you try to tell me what to do, I'm not pathetic like yous!'. Obviously them stupid kids got on at the first sign o' trouble but not me. I was so surprised and threatened that me bottle of whiskey flew out me hands right across his head. Only managed to put him on his ass though so I legged it. When I turned back to check on Big Dan and Chris, he was going through their pockets and nickin' all their money. I shouted at him to get outta here and he musta been scared of me after I hit -  Err, after the bottle accidentally hit 'im. Barely escaped with me life you know. Anyway it was obviously him and I gotta appointment with the dentist so lemme outta here and stop treating me like some kinda filthy criminal, Mr Sergeant Sir Police Man Sir. Throwin' your weight around like you own the place just cause some toff gave you a badge.'

[Extract end]