Chronos

So I was thinking about the prefix 'chrono' and some of the words it appears in, when I wondered if there were any more I didn't know about. First I tried looking up 'Chronible' to mean 'that which can be chronicled' and the only significant result was a youtube channel where some guy plays video games and then spoils them by talking over all the best bits. Then I realized that maybe 'Chronible wouldn't even be correct for that definition so I revised it to 'Chronable', which I think makes more sense. After that I looked up the 'chrono prefix' on wikipedia and learned some new words. My new favorite word is now 'Chronometer', which is 'something that measures time'. I also was very impressed with 'Chronomancy' which is 'Divination to determine the right time for action' which seems like a fantastic premise for a fantasy novel. It was also very interesting to look at other words with 'chron' in such as 'Synchronicity' and 'Chronic' which I hadn't really analyzed before. I also just really like the way 'Chron' sounds when spoken, I'm not sure why. It just sounds nice to say and hear. Chrono.

Nerdlings in the IT department

I couldn't help but notice some of the things on the college systems are references to Tolkein's works (on a side note, my great grandmother lives next to his absolutely minted descendants in oxford) and some of them are rather obscure. I don't know much about IT, but I do know that something server-related is named 'GIMLI' and another is named 'Fimbrethil'. Ah, who doesn't remember Fimbrethil? A most memorable character indeed. I am sarcastic of course, as a google search revealed Fimbrethil to be... Treebeard's entwife. Remember the tree that Merry and Pippin climb in the second one that talks to them and helps spurn the ents into action? That was Treebeard. Fimbrethil is his wife. Huh.

Language and Technology

In this short piece we will discuss the use of language surrounding technology. One genre with copious amounts of technology jargon and description is of course science-fiction, and contains many excellent examples of technology in language.

Here we will look at a quote from 'War of the Worlds' written by H.G.Wells that describes a 'Tripod', a three-legged alien invasion craft:

And this Thing I saw! How can I describe it? A monstrous tripod, higher than many houses, striding over the young pine trees, and smashing them aside in its career; a walking engine of glittering metal, striding now across the heather; articulate ropes of steel dangling from it, and the clattering tumult of its passage mingling with the riot of the thunder. A flash, and it came out vividly, heeling over one way with two feet in the air, to vanish and reappear almost instantly as it seemed, with the next flash, a hundred yards nearer. Can you imagine a milking stool tilted and bowled violently along the ground? That was the impression those instant flashes gave. But instead of a milking stool imagine it a great body of machinery on a tripod stand... Seen nearer, the Thing was incredibly strange, for it was no mere insensate machine driving on its way. Machine it was, with a ringing metallic pace, and long, flexible, glittering tentacles (one of which gripped a young pine tree) swinging and rattling about its strange body. It picked its road as it went striding along, and the brazen hood that surmounted it moved to and fro with the inevitable suggestion of a head looking about. Behind the main body was a huge mass of white metal like a gigantic fisherman's basket, and puffs of green smoke squirted out from the joints of the limbs as the monster swept by me.

There are a few things that are repeated both within this extract and also within countless other novels and works of fiction of the same genre, many of which are inspired by 'War of the Worlds'. First off is the repeated descriptors of 'glittering' and 'metallic', and in one case even 'glittering metal'. A very large proportion of human technology are constructed largely out of metals, so it is natural that human novelists would apply similar traits to alien invaders such that the audience can more easily understand the nature of the antagonistic alien machinery by comparing it to familiar concepts held by humans. For instance, this description of a tripod conjured up in me the image of a shining silver tank performing long distance leap-froggery on three long legs, segmented for flexibility, with smoke occasionally rushing out of small gaps and outlets, and an undefined amount of tentacles that look like the machine's legs, but thinner and shorter for greater dexterity, all of them probing the space around on the search for objects to interact with, all whilst this metal alien tank is towing behind it by one of these appendages a woven metal cage.

Arockalpytical Prophecy

When the rapper hath dropped the mic once and for all
and the machines are quelled in their rebellion
The Front Man shall emerge from the flames
and his pyrotechnics show will be quiteth badass
He shall strike chords in the hearts of human and beast alike
Pied Piper reincarnate, we will follow to the end
fingers curled into earthly salute
only when The Four or Five Horsemen have ridden can it end

The Secret Code (QWERTY EDITION)

Yjr jp,reptl ,fr ,r esmy yp ,slr ,u pem vpfr.

CLUE: biq ura ibw ri rgw kwdr

Transcript of Drawing Game and Analysis

So (.) first off (.) in the kind of (.) mostly top left corner (1). Right (.) It's like a circle (.) with a dot in it. (2) Which is a tough one. (1) Er::: (1) There also is (2) Right. (.) It looks like an hourglass ^ (.) with no line on the bottom (.) and square sides. (.) Er::: (3) There's three triangles (.) with the bottom triangle not there. Er::: (5)... Like an 'X' with the left side, the top side and a right side. (2) OK (.) have you got that^? (.) After them, there's a star with a star in it. (1) like, a little star (.) just in the middle. (.) Five... (2) Five pointed star (4) And that's (.) like above the top right of the hourglass thing. (.) It's like a (.) Camping Table Thing. (3) And finally (.) below the star and right of the hourglass (.) bottom-right quadrant (1) is a curvy line. (1) If you start from the bottom left (.) go across, around left on itself. (sniff) It's like a (1) it's like a really swollen thumb. (2) That should be it then...




When I saw the task we had to do, I thought it would be easy. A game as simple as drawing some symbols, then describing the key features to another such that they might recreate a similar drawing from the description alone. As soon as I started I noticed some of my vocal features, both specific to me and the situation. In many cases, I paused after each key feature to give it time to sink in before stating the next, almost speaking in cadence.Other times I would simply mentally fumble over my words until I got decent results such as 'Like an X with the left side, the top side and a right side'. Also prominent was my frequent lexical choice of 'like' when implying similarity.

5th december

Going to bowling alley with Gary
bring some money

Yay my lesson is cancelled

Now I can do absolutely nothing for an hour and a half while thinking about how I would rather have been asleep in my nice warm bed. I almost want to make a rant about how getting up early in the morning is an outdated practice for anyone except farmers and people such as rubbish collectors, whose jobs require either longer daylight hours or less street population in the way, whereas almost everyone else has no need for the wee hours of the morning. For instance: I am a school student. I go to school and write on paper. The light bulb was invented over 100 years ago. Therefore sunlight is now obsolete. So what's the point in maximizing our daylight hours while damaging our physical and mental health? I don't care if I get home at 6PM instead of 5PM as long as it means I get a better lie-in... And don't even try to tell me I should just go to sleep earlier, because for one I can't go to sleep while it's even a little bit bright outside and secondly, that's just wasting the daylight hours at the end of the day. But as I said, I'm not going to write a rant or anything.

a loose plan of my parody interview

BIBLIOGRAPHY

David M. Ewalt. (2012). The Forbes Fictional Interview: C. Montgomery Burns. Available: http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidewalt/2012/04/20/fictional-interview-c-montgomery-burns/ . Last accessed 27/01/2014.

Reader's Choice: The Interview Chamber

Isaac E Hampson, columnist 
Chief Interrogater of MiscellanEUs Monthly, freelancer for St Brendans AS English Lang
FOLLOW THIS WRITER

 

Every month we let the MiscellanEUs Monthly readers choose any one business-minded fictional figure to be dissected in... 'The Interview Chamber'. Delving into the thoughts of these wealthy, wealthy gurus of green, we aim to uncover their most prized trade secrets, by any means necessary.

 

In The Chamber: Dr Graham Rudford

 

 Best known for featuring in cult hit US Sitcom 'Greenest Grass', 
Dr Graham Rudford captured the hearts and minds of many

Image: blogs.villagevoice.com.

a viewer in the EU with a lethal combination of classic American ego and ignorance, meshed with European level self-righteousness and contempt. Appearing in the show as a self-made, morally bankrupt but monetarily gifted millionaire,
Dr Rudford will be able to offer valuable insights in areas concerning monetization of literature and... spirituality?


MM: Welcome to the interview chamber. How do you feel, Doctor?
GR: Great to be here! I feel serene, honestly. I've been experimenting with new ways to unite the chakras through careful dieting, right,  and I think I'm getting close to final tranquility. You can read about it in my upcoming book.

MM: Doctor, not many of our readers will be familiar with what you do. Can you tell us a bit about your work?
GR: [he laughs] Of course I can! That's why I'm here, right! And please, call me Graham. I'm not really much of a doctor these days, I prefer 'shamanic scholar'. Anyway, I suppose I'm primarily an author now. I studied Holistic Practices at the Oklahoma University of Spiritual Studies and Active Resting. I graduated with honors, and began to work on my first book, 'Warrior of Aesthetics'. It took me almost three months continual meditation to write even one word, but once I had I knew that only doubt could stop me now. Ten books later, and I'm still going strong, I think now I'm even recognized in America as the best-known Shamanic Scholar to date, which is no mean feat, right?

MM: Graham, can you tell us what being a Shamanic Scholar means?
GR: It means being a strong leader, but at the same time being relatable. To be recognized as a shaman is to be recognized as a wizened one, transcendent of petty squabbles and desires. It is our burden to bear that we can only be looked on from below.

MM: And what kind of things does a shamanic scholar like you write about?
GR: First off, 'I' don't write anything. The child inside of me does. Children always know the truth of life, so I have to find that inner piece of myself before I am ready to author. As for what I write, it's holistic studies. My first book was about how beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and can be used as a tool for improving yourself and the reality around you. Recently I've written about tapping into the innate purity of music to heal physical and mental wounds, and the book I'm working on now is a secret.

MM: Interesting! We don't suppose you could give us any clues about your next book?
GR: I'll give you the title: 'Paradigms of Enlightenment'. That's all your getting. Trust me though, it's seriously heavy stuff. Not for the weak-spirited, right.

MM: Graham, as a business magazine one of the main reasons we bought you here was to discuss finance. Can you give us any insight into your past earnings?
GR: Well naturally after following my multiple step program to true success as a personality, I was in a place to be putting out some pretty beautiful literature. Last year, mostly off the back of my last two books, I earned about $700,000USD. As a man of conscience I have made many donations to worthy causes and funded many less important shamanic scholars in their efforts to emulate my success, naturally receiving a... reasonable percentage of royalties for having spent my hard earned cash to produce their stuff. It's only fair, after all. Actually, this is the first year I've broken $500,000USD in earnings, due to the strength of my last two books,'Learning How to Heal Through Music' and 'Thoughts for Food: A Beginners Almanac'. Before that I was sitting on about $250000USD, most of which came in from 'Warrior of Aesthetic'. I ain't got a single clue how much that is in 'Euros'. Hopefully a lot, am I right? [he laughs]

MM: You notably published and produced your first novel personally, what lead you to make that decision?
GR: Well 'The Man' who runs the publishing companies didn't want my message getting out. You see, he knows it too. That's why he runs a company, and he only fears one thing: That other people will discover the secret, right? I knew I had to wake the world up, to put an end to the conspiracy. With my methods in mind, anyone can become a someone. For me it took getting a loan with exorbitant interest rates, but that didn't matter! I was creating art, saving humans from themselves, how could I let something like that stay my hand? I followed my mantras, embraced myself and devoted my spiritual energies to getting this book out there. Finally, it dropped in bookstores where it got popular by word of mouth, and all of a sudden I'd earned thousands upon thousands of dollars. My business model was simple: I marketed it to housewives, old people and progressive types, my main demographics. The truth just resonated with them in the heartstrings, and they knew that here was a book that would change their lives. That's why I self-published, right. To keep my art free of taint by the greedy, money grabbing crooks that run the publishing companies, with their fascist editors and over-sized cut. Self-publishing is the way to go. I've almost single handedly flipped the status quo, but I need the little people to get behind me and push. Boycott the Bandits is what I say.

MM: As not only someone who is an author themselves, but also someone who invests in many newer authors, what tips would you give on identifying talent and other conventions of the business?
GR: Well essentially I look for the traits outlined in my book 'Dissecting the Essence of Potential', in which I talk about some of the key characteristics conducive to harmony in soul and mind in such a way that you truer potential can be excavated from behind the armored shell that confines your heart. Another tip is don't let them try to screw you. Authors are a funny bunch, and many of them just don't understand what signing a contract means. They throw around words like 'unfair' and 'starving' but it's mostly just waffle. They can't help it though. We can't fault them, the blame lies at the feet of the establishment, right? The politicians of the world just play games, right, rigging society to ensure our young can never understand the true meaning of strength of soul, turning our culture stagnant and vegetative. It's a sad, but inevitable truth. It's only people like me that can show our kindred siblings to final serenity.

MM: Finally, Graham, Some of our MiscellanEUs Monthly readers are a little skeptical about your faith. What do you have to say to them?
GR: The only thing I can say: Just look at me. I follow all my own life coaching, now I'm rich, healthy, happily married and most of all spiritually attuned. Some people just need to look at themselves with their hidden eye unclouded in order to witness the sad, sad truth about themselves so that they can face facts and finally begin to absorb my wisdom. That's all, right?

The Rise of Twitter

The Guardian

TECHNOLOGY BLOG

Twitter: One hundred and forty characters to say nothing at all

In an age where at least 135000 people sign up to Twitter every day, we can no longer ignore this social media sensation. Character limits a 

Isaac Hampson

theguardian.com, Monday 14 October 2013 12:56 BST

A much needed button, sure to save us literally milliseconds of our lifespan. Image:  Fivetech.com

Imagine the scenario: You are a person using the internet, reading a blog post from the guardian when you spot that there is text missing from the fifth line in the article! Outraged by the laziness of the author and inflated by your feelings of superiority, you go to correct the mistake in the comments. Satisfied for the day, you go about reading the article and living your life. Little did you know, the author was just trying to make a point about the character limit on Twitter and now you look silly! If only you had been confined to 140 characters you would not have had space to complain about grammar... It seems Twitter is the solution to all our communication problems.

For those not in the 'techknow', Twitter is a blogging website with a twist. Any single post (or 'tweet') cannot exceed more than 140 characters. That's not 140 characters as played by an actor, that's a combination of 140 letters, word spaces and punctuation.

That's not a huge number. It's only about 20 words. For those who are overly verbose such as myself, it's simply not enough. Sure, I could incorporate 'TXT SPCH' into my tweets but I'd rather not take the time to translate to another language and defeat the whole point of the character limit.

Now, I don't feel as if I am really selling it right now. To many people (certainly to me at first) Twitter sounds like a giant time waster (and it is) to add to the likes of Facebook, Myspace (RIP) and... Twitter. Already it is synonymous with the biggest names in social network giants due to it's incredible success with the masses, despite being "a technology that would allow me to send a message to my 50 friends, alerting them in real time about my choice of breakfast cereal." (TIME MAGAZINE)

For many people the appeal of Twitter is the ability to functionally stalk everyone you follow, either celebrity or neighbor. You will be informed with bitesized little details such as "@LadyGaga lovin the new album huny keep at it xx #artpop #music" or "@SimonPegg why do u never reply 2 my tweets #2gd4fans #sellout". Such is the torture 

Parody Interview

http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidewalt/2012/04/17/forbes-fictional-interview-tony-stark/

'Forbes fictional interviews'

Some puns

I was at a festival dressed like an owl so I started making owl puns. It was an absolute hoot, but the puns were bad. In the end I think my best pun wasn't even owl related: Halloumi

I saw a halloumi stand, set about figuring out which country halloumi is from (greece I think?) and then constructed my joke:

What do you say to your greek doppelganger?

Halloumi!

This is also very creative

ERB

I love this series so much

so good

Style Models

Tadpole Hitler | Derek fan site: Exclusive interview with Karl Pilkington - An Idio...: How do I introduce Karl Pilkington? How do I complete this (pointless) opening blurb on the man who Ricky once called ‘the funniest man ali...


And this Ali G interview, copied in full because I'm worried about filters:

Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off?

Subject: Ali G interview with Madonna!!!

Ali: Selecta!! I is ere wiv none uver dan da Queenie Mum of pop muzic,
Madonna. Check it!!

Ali: So Madge, is you really preggers or as you just got a
spare tyre up your jumper?

M: No, I am five months pregnant, Ali.

Ali: Wicked. So you ain't bin frough da menaplaws yet den?

M: No, I thought I'd better have another baby before my time ran out,so to speak.

Ali: Aiiih, fer real. An who is da dad? Does you even know who da dad is?

M: Of course I know who the father is. It's my boyfriend,
Guy.

Ali: An is e related to dat geezer who make all da fireworks for bonfire night?

M: No, he's a film director. He directed 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'.

Ali: Wow, dat is a wicked film. Did you know dat Vinnie Jones once grabbed Gazza's balls an squeezed em till Gazza started cryin. Dat was bad, man. Respec to Vinnie, but if e did dat to me I'd knock im spark out wiv da one inch punch.

M: I've met Vinnie and he is a very nice guy actually.

Ali: Whatever. Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off?

M: Actually Ali, I am sometimes referred to as the
*Material* Girl.

Ali: But dat is a bit stupid, innit? Every time I sees
you, you ain't even wearing any material. You is usually
stark bollock naked, if you ekscuse me french.

M: That's not true. I did write a book called 'SEX' a
while ago and appeared nude in several photos, but that was
more artistic than pornographic.

Ali: Aiiih, me mate Dave borrowed me dat book an you was
showing your punnani on nearly every page. Well, all da
pages dat were stuck togever after me mate Dave kept
spillin is coffee on dem. Well, dat is what e told me, but
I fink e was usin it to crack one off, if you know what I
mean?

M: I think I know what you mean Ali. Boys will be boys.

Ali: Fer real, an you don't mind im crackin one off all
over you?

M: No, not at all. I'm quite flattered actually.

Ali: You wouldn't be sayin dat if you saw Dave. E is
mingin. Anyway,in one a dem pictures you is gettin it from
behind by dat Vanilla Ice. Me mate Dave reckoned you was
takin it up da ass, but me Julie says dat you is too classy
for dat.

M: I wasn't taking it in either orifice.

Ali: Why's dat? Couldn't da Ice Ice Baby get it up? Cos I
erd e is batty boy.

M: No, it was just a photograph. Nothing was going on. It
was a book about fantasies, that's all.

Ali: Aiiih. But as you ever takin it up da Gary Glitter?
Or is dat a personal question?

M: I have had all kinds of sex in my time, Ali. I've tried
everything, including anal sex.

Ali: Wicked. Now me Julie ain't got no excuses. Next time
she says no, I'll tell er if it's good enuff for Madonna,
it's good enuff for a bitch from East Staines.

M: You shouldn't force someone into doing it Ali.

Ali: No, me just slide it in an pretend it was an
accident.

M: No, Ali.

Ali: Anyway, what about dat Naomi Campbell? Did you really
av a lez up wiv er while Big Daddy Kane was watchin? Cos
dat is eksactly da fing I wants me Julie to do. She can get
jiggy wiv one of er mates from da airdressers, maybe Becky
or dat Sally bitch, an all I is askin is to watch. Den
maybe join in when dey is gaggin for a cock.

M: I've heard that is a fantasy for most men. That is why
I put it in the book.

Ali: Fer real. So I ain't a pervert den, like me Julie
keeps tellin me.

M: No, not at all.

Ali: Fer real. I is in for a treat tonight. A freesome, an
up da batty for Julie when me gets home.

M: Only if she wants to Ali.

Ali: Whatever. Was you really a virgin when you sang dat
'Like A Virgin'?

M: No. It wasn't literally about being a virgin. It was a
metaphor for how someone can make you feel when they touch
you.

Ali: On da punnani?

M: No, anywhere.

Ali: Me know what you is sayin. Me Julie said she
was a virgin da first time I shagged er in da changin
rooms of da John Nike Leisure Centre. But den I shagged er
again a few momphs later after da all-night drum'n'bass
party an she told me she was a virgin den too. I fink she
was lyin da second time.

M: I think she might have been lying the first time as
well.

Ali: Is you sayin me Julie as been wiv someone else?

M: Maybe.

Ali: Dat is it. I is dumpin er. I ain't goin wiv no
slapper. Anyway, I erd dat is you knockin on fifty. Ain't
you fought about retirin? Surely you as got enuff squid in
da bank.

M: Actually, I'm only in my early forties. And I will
never retire, even after I have my second child. I love
work too much.

Ali: Den you is mad. If I ad as much squid as you
I'd just sit back an chill wiv da biggest spliff in da
world an listen to speed garage all day. Now I know why you
is called MADonna, cos you is MAD.Anyway, fank you
Madonna

M: Why, thank you Ali. And would you like to be in my new
video?

Ali: Aiiih, wicked. As long as dere ain't no batty boys in
it like dat Rupert Everest. Dis time you can bounce on a
real man's lap, if you know what I is sayin. Respec. So, to
all you bitches out dere. If your boyfriend aks you to take
it up da ass or av a freesome e is not a pervert. Me main
girl Madonna ere says it's cool.
West side!

AS work

So You Think You Are Normal: A Human's Guide

This is an ode, a love letter and an apology to all those out there who just wanted to be normal.

07/10/2013                    Isaac Hampson

Karl Pilkington, a man so normal that he's abnormal. Is this really the everyman?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I wonder what the heck is this strange hairless little pink creature with the gangly limbs and wet holes in it's face. It's a wonder we can even tolerate each-other's presence, let alone be physically attracted to one another. Beyond our physical appearance, our behavior is positively absurd, particularly the ways in which we communicate. Say the word 'chomp' aloud to yourself. Weird, right? Think about the last time you saw someone applaud a performer. They liked what they saw, and they decided to show that by slapping the flesh of one hand into the flesh of the other hand, creating a strange 'clap' sound each time. What is the difference between a human clapping their hands and a gorilla beating it's chest? There is none!

As a human child, I wanted to be nothing more and nothing less than 'normal'. When I think about it now, I'm not really sure what that meant. Did I want to be an asian male with dark hair and brown eyes? No. But surely, as the most common archetype of appearance, that is normal. So already my idea of normal was skewed by my past experiences. Perhaps I had based it off of the cultural norms of my particular corner of the world? Did I want to be a humble office worker, going to work everyday from nine til five, going home to my average looking wife with two average kids, one boy and one girl? Heck no! If not that, it's possible I wanted to be whatever was 'normal' for me as an individual. Thinking about it though, it seems unlikely. Normal for me was 'a man who has a desk job and nothing bad ever happens to him'. My very idea of normal was abnormal, clearly I was doomed to be interesting from the start. As I grew up, I accepted that I would never be normal, and neither would anyone else. It was unattainable. Instead, I settled for life. I accepted my lot and decided to move on and do what I could with it.

The problem is, we are too accepting of everything. We don't ask enough questions! The other day, I found myself sitting on the bus home from college. Around me was a myriad of different persons, each one adorned with colorful fabrics and accessories. It reminded me of the humble peacock, whose success in mating is largely determined by the flamboyance of its tail. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! These little monkey-men had developed a whole aesthetic based on culture and opinion! Incredible! Furthermore, they had created a huge lumbering juggernaut of wrought iron and twisted steel, and put it to work as a mule carting passengers to and from their daily business, provoking little fear, awe or curiosity in it's riders! Naturally I was shocked by this self-realization, and my mind immediately set to work searching for more of these social phenomena. What other societal norms have we taken for granted? I had to know!

In the end I had to look no farther than myself. There I was, sitting on the bus pulling on my facial muscles in order to increase the width of my oral cavity because I had been amused by my thoughts. Most erratic behavior for a creature of Earth. Then I stepped off the bus with my awkward stilt-puppet legs, pivoting from one to the other. Looking at my feet, I wondered at the skill it took to continue my forward movement. First, I would lift up my forward foot. This would disrupt my balance, causing me to lean forwards. Then, swinging my arms to counterbalance my back leg, I bought it forward and placed it in front of me to steady myself. Then, my momentum carried me forward and I found that once again, I had overbalanced and would need to put my back leg in front of me to stay standing. My entire walk from the bus stop continued in this manner. By the time I got through the door of my house, I was constantly on the lookout for more examples of human behavior. Unfortunately, I became distracted by a glowing window through which I could see people like myself pretending to be ridiculous caricatures of humans. Transfixed by this magical portal to lands far away, I rested in my search for these abnormal conventions of everyday life.

The next time I woke up in the middle of a crazy bit of behaving was during a conversation between a few individuals. Listening to the cry of these rare and proud animals, I could not describe to myself exactly what a human sounds like. There was lots of gibbering and hooting, mixed in with clicks and coos. And this was in a language I have spoken all my life. Imagine my amusement when I spent some time in the company of a slightly different breed of human known as the 'Polish' people, named so for the arbitrary boundary between their territory and the rest of the world known as 'Poland'. Despite listening with all my focus, I could not discern a single ounce of meaning from members of my own species! What were these strange word formations coming out of their mouths? Even more amazing, the particular Polish human I had found myself attached to based on the strength of their social gibberish was able to freely switch between Polish language and English nonsense at will! A highly talented individual, clearly. It almost made me laugh out loud.

Laughter is a funny thing. I believe it to come from the same place as the hand-collisions we do that make the 'clap' sound. Laughter is supposedly something we developed as a way to communicate diffused tension. If you have ever been in some kind of trouble and felt under terrible pressure or stress at the time, then found yourself laughing with feelings of relief moments later, that is how laughter started. That strange, whooping cry was a way to say 'That tiger in the bushes over there turned out to just be George from down the road'. Somehow though, it entered our social processes. We enjoy the feeling of laughter, and causing others to laugh. Now we do it almost every day for no other reason than that it keeps us happy. How absurd.

But this raises an even more interesting point. As a child, I thought that if I grew up to be normal, that would be equal or conducive to growing up happy. But is being happy normal? I would like to say yes, of course, but this certainly deserves some deliberation. First of all lets look at the western world. Europe and America. These areas have the highest average quality of life ratings and yet also have the highest rates of clinical depression. Then we look at Asia, which has incredibly varied qualities of life due to the rich-poor divide. Like in the west, most people seem content with their lot in life, but conditions there are clearly less conducive to a comfortable lifestyle than we in England are used to. Finally, we look at Africa, a continent with some of the most unique and flavorful culture and people living humble but happy lives, but is also a sort of petri dish for humanity's greediest and depraved criminals, bending entire nations to their will. Not a single place on Earth would seem to be even close to paradise, at least not for everyone. If everyone has different ideas of what it is to be happy, how can we decide who is happy and who isn't? Was Adolf Hitler happy committing atrocities against ethnic minorities? If so, why did his hapiness have to come at the price of others?

Ah well. No answers will be reached here, and if they, they will be unimportant answers to unimportant questions.

Sorry if you're not normal anymore, it wasn't my intention to upset you.

Some new words

Rectopholymene - The substance left behind when an unstoppable force meets the immovable object.

Timography - The study of knowing what time it is and exactly how long it is until dinner.

A highly unreliable narrator

[Excerpt from the police interrogation of Dean-Paul Rutherford, August 15th 2007. Officer on duty: Sgt Robert Cooke]

"Before all yous start finkin' it was me what done it, I can tell you right now it ain't even close to the truth. It was Little Dan, I seen 'im with me own two eyes. I always knew he was a nutter. Big Dan and Chris ain't street smart like me, you see. I could tell from the day we met him he was gonna end up in the slammer eventually, and now look. Open and shut case if you're asking me. Didn't even take much to get 'im to do it. It was cause of his pa, I reckon. Back when we were skipping school at his 'ouse his pa would always get off on humiliating him, calling him gay, stuff like that. He'd always tell us about how one day he would be 'the big man' and that things would change. It's why we called him Little Dan even though he was way bigger than our Big Dan. For a joke, like. Anyways, me, him, Big Dan and Chris were on the way back from The Anchor after a night on the piss when these little gits who live up the road start having a go at us, pelting us with McDonalds and the like. Anyway, Little Dan starts muttering and cursing talking about how he's supposed to be 'top dog' now and all that bollocks. We've been hearing it for years, but we knew he didn't have the balls to ever do anything. This time though he was all twitching and spitting like a crackhead. That's when... (Dean-Paul sobs) that's when he pulled the knife, right in front of us. Chris tried to hold him back from them bloody nobhead kids but Little Dan wasn't 'aving any of it. Straight into our Chris's shoulder. It's a miracle 'is arm didn't fall off. Big Dan tried to take the knife away but he's never been any good in a scrap. Little Dan did him right in with that little kitchen knife, and started shouting and screaming like h was mental, all like 'That's what you tossers get when you try to tell me what to do, I'm not pathetic like yous!'. Obviously them stupid kids got on at the first sign o' trouble but not me. I was so surprised and threatened that me bottle of whiskey flew out me hands right across his head. Only managed to put him on his ass though so I legged it. When I turned back to check on Big Dan and Chris, he was going through their pockets and nickin' all their money. I shouted at him to get outta here and he musta been scared of me after I hit -  Err, after the bottle accidentally hit 'im. Barely escaped with me life you know. Anyway it was obviously him and I gotta appointment with the dentist so lemme outta here and stop treating me like some kinda filthy criminal, Mr Sergeant Sir Police Man Sir. Throwin' your weight around like you own the place just cause some toff gave you a badge.'

[Extract end]

A helpful Grammar post

http://litreactor.com/columns/20-common-grammar-mistakes-that-almost-everyone-gets-wrong

“Nor” expresses a negative condition. It literally means "and not." You’re obligated to use the “nor” form if your sentence expresses a negative and follows it with another negative condition. “Neither the men nor the women were drunk” is a correct sentence because “nor” expresses that the women held the same negative condition as the men. The old rule is that “nor” typically follows “neither,” and “or” follows “either.” However, if neither “either” nor “neither” is used in a sentence, you should use “nor” to express a second negative, as long as the second negative is a verb. If the second negative is a noun, adjective, or adverb, you would use “or,” because the initial negative transfers to all conditions. e.g., He won’t eat broccoli or asparagus. The negative condition expressing the first noun (broccoli) is also used for the second (asparagus).

A Monologue by Joan of Arc from 'Saint Joan' by George Bernard Shaw

Joan:

"Yes, they told me you were fools and that I was not to listen to your fine words nor

trust to your charity. You promised me my life but you lied. You think that life is nothing but

not being stone dead. It is not the bread and water I fear: bread has no sorrow for me, and

water no affliction. But to shut me from the light of the sky, and the sight of the fields and

flowers, to chain my feet so that I can never again ride with the soldiers nor climb the hills;

to make me breathe foul damp darkness, and keep me from everything that brings me back

to the love of God when your wickedness and foolishness tempt me to hate Him. All this is

worse than the furnace in the Bible that was heated seven times. I could do without my

warhorse, I could drag about in a skirt. I could let the banners and the trumpets and the

knights and soldiers pass me and leave me behind as they leave the other women, if only I

could still hear the wind in the trees, the larks in the sunshine, the young lambs crying

through the healthy frost, and the blessed blessed church bells that send my angel voices

floating to me on the wind. But without these things I cannot live; and by your wanting to

take them away from me, or from any human creature, I know that your counsel is of the

devil, and that mine is of God."

This extract is of Joan of Arc giving a speech to her enemies, who have at this point defeated her and now await her death, condeming them for their opinions and actions. Interestingly, despite this being a highly emotional piece, it is punctuated only with fullstops and commas. Perhaps this speech is to be delivered completely deadpan, but more likely the intent was to allow and encourage the reader to place emphasis on whichever sentences in whichever way creates the most dramatic mental image for them as an individual. The absence of any rhetorical questions, or pauses in speech creates the effect that this entire monologue is a fully uninterrupted tirade, that Joan of Arc is the sole focus of her audience, making full use of her opportunity to speak and communicate her point. Furthermore, the language used is incredibly powerful, with phrases like 'foul damp darkness' representing the negativity of the fate decided for her, contrasting extremely with imagery such as 'young lambs crying through the healthy frost' that represents her feelings about her life and faith. Without saying it, the finality of her final sentence in this monologue shows that while she obviously is not happy with her situation, she has resigned herself to it and now simply seeks to retain her moral high ground such that history remembers her prosecutors as villains and Joan herself an example of unwavering faith and devotion. The author further communicates her positive feelings for her religion by making use of tautology, in the phrase 'blessed blessed church bells'. Using the same word twice doubles the importance of the word in the sentence, communicating that Joan found the term important enough to repeat it. By making use of intertextuality, the author even tells us that Joan of Arc is of the Christian faith by using the phrase 'young lambs', which is a reference to the Shepard/Flock metaphors used in Christian texts for God/Humankind. 

As a whole, the entire text is clearly written in Joan of Arc's favor, being spoken by her, and makes excellent use of the contrast between the immorality of her enemies and the pure motives she holds. By starting with using negative language to strike at her opposition, then using very peeaceful and serene imagery to describe her faith, it is as if she is figuratively rising up, as if rising up to heaven or holding the moral 'high ground'.

Superhero of the Month blog

Sadly this blog seems to have died a natural death because only one post is available from August 2nd, although the blog itself is much older. Not sure what happened.

Anyway, a link: http://www.superheroofthemonth.com/
and an extract: 'First, hi. How are all of you? I hope well.

As you all know, I stopped Superhero of the Month. But I still have the domain name until October, and since I have it, I wanted to share this. I recently discoveredTeespring, a Kickstarter of sorts for T-shirts. So you create a campaign, set a goal, and if your goal is hit, your shirt is printed. It's a pretty cool concept for custom clothing.

I designed a Powerpuff Girls / Gotham City Sirens mashup -- The Gothampuff Girls! The shirt is currently campaigning until August 21. Because of the interest of the Superhero of the Month community in comics and comic art, I thought I'd share it.

The shirt is only $15, and though I'm a little biased, I think it's cute. I'm generally critical of my own work, but this is something I really enjoyed, and if you like the Powerpuff Girls, Catwoman, Harley Quinn, or Poison Ivy, please consider buying this shirt. It will only get printed if the goal is met, but I think buyers will enjoy it. And please, share this on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, or whatever you kids are using these days.'

Right at the start the author establishes a discourse with the reader, making some common courtesies and such before then going straight into trying to sell T-shirts. By establishing the illusion of familiarity with the reader, we are more receptive to what this author tells us and from that more likely to invest in a T-shirt. The whole time, the author keeps writing to the reader as if it were one side of a conversation, which is known as synthetic personalisation. While such techniques may seem calculated and cold, I (and perhaps this author) would generally use this style to similar ends, offering my own opinions and pretending to care about the reader's by padding out my advertisement (or anything really) with familiar language and informal discourse.

Suggestion sounds nicer than command

Step out of the light, Dance into the night

leap into tomorrow, let them all follow

go into the air, walk toward the fair

jump up for the day, wind down for the play

run away to the land of quest, of yourself send only the best

clean your clock, dry the dock

ask a query, rest when weary

do the things that need to be done, the world is waiting and you're the one.

fight the bad guys, collect your prize

the well runs wet, there's still work yet

no sleep for the hero, no help for the zero

find a man braver than you, talk to him until you are too

now do the job we asked you to, it's only fair, its one vs two

we appreciate your help and all, but we'd rather YOU be the one to fall

it's clear you are the better man, so go ahead and join your clan

little folk like us run the world, you are the arrow to be hurled

don't worry hero, we'll write a song. Shame it won't be very long.

So ye thinkth Shakespeare art one geniuse?

Tis folly t' assume sucheth factatious wordes art truth
is it not clear that any man can be instigative in sucheth language of fe invention
Is it to be that one man of any can be herladeth a genius late of the utility that are making uppeth wordes?
Tis impressional of oneselfeth truthe that yondereth masses fear one truthage, thy life in terrore cowering of thoughts that one's home nature be discovereth. Certain be it ye learned scholarly ilk more qualifyedly comprehendeth nuance an' oculize betwixt known caricutare as to ascertain deepeth whimsy, however it then follows that those lacking bright of the candle yearn for that which holds them no merit and prompt in their disection do further own ignorances armoring vacancee in there which holdeth all.

Home Work for Monday

This one needs a slight bit of set up to be read properly for people who don't read Discworld novels. The all capital letters text is all speech from the same character. Here it is:

BUT MOST PEOPLE ARE RATHER STUPID AND WASTE THEIR LIVES. HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THAT? HAVE YOU NOT LOOKED DOWN FROM THE HORSE AT A CITY AND THOUGHT HOW MUCH IT RESEMBLED AN ANT HEAP, FULL OF BLIND CREATURES WHO THINK THEIR MUNDANE LITTLE WORLD WAS REAL? YOU SEE THE LIGHTED WINDOWS AND WHAT YOU WANT TO THINK IS THAT THERE MAY BE MANY INTERESTING STORIES BEHIND THEM, BUT WHAT YOU KNOW IS THAT REALLY THERE ARE JUST DULL, DULL SOULS, MERE CONSUMERS OF FOOD, WHO THINK THEIR INSTINCTS ARE EMOTIONS AND THEIR TINY LITTLE LIVES OF MORE ACCOUNT THAN A WHISPER OF WIND.
The blue glow was bottomless. It seemed to be sucking her own thoughts out of her mind.
'No,' whispered Susan, 'no, I've never thought like that.'
Death stood up abruptly and turned away. YOU MAY FIND OUT THAT IT HELPS, he said.



I chose this because I love Terry Pratchett quotes and there are so many good ones on the internet. I also chose it for some of the interesting techniques used in this specific extract from 'Soul Music'. Anyway, the thing that stand out most about this text is of course the large wall of capital letters, which is missing correct punctuation and grammar. First of all the lack of speech marks indicates that Death's communication is not in spoken form, hence no speech marks. The fact that his text is all in capitals, which to some may have created the idea that he was shouting, was to signify that even the 'sound' of his voice was very unique among the characters in his novels.  It may also be worth mentioning that by making such a long statement, it made his 'argument' seem very strong even though it is really based on opinion. Also, 'The blue glow was bottomless' is a very short sentence but almost has more effect by being so simple. The blue glow is simply bottomless. Not bottomless like the depths of the ocean, or the void of space. Just bottomless. It creates more focus on just that one point and allows the reader to project their own connotative ideas onto the text. Finally, the contrast between Death being commanding and gloomy and Susan being mightily downtrodden at hearing such hard words further frames death as this cold, hardened veteran of life (or rather, death) and really provokes the reader to care in some form about the two characters involved.

a bit silly

time to do something a bit odd

the rhymes i spill are ht rhymes of god

let the fun flow through ye

float like the bumblebee

i spy a a little pig that flies

I bet flying pig bacon tastes really nice

run from the scary ghoul

send him back to his ghoul school

its not the time for freaks and frights

this is the time to make rhymes oh so tight

put down that funny little object

or use of it now leads me to object

rhymes of the same word are fine

i'll be more creative down the line

dcosta coffee do very nice drinks

and always clik on dem internet links

but lets not forget why we are here

to remind me i must hear your joyous cheer

i am merely the conduit for joy

the world is your oyster, words are your toy

aha! Indeed a wonderful cheer to right my wrong

i feel  i could compose all night long, the spark of passion glows very strong

the night is still young

and silver be my tongue

its time to go where no one can know

in which there is only one way to go

up

rise into the clouds and hold onto your hat

dont look down and prepare to be flat

there is no down here

nor there nor here

but is really late

and my mind is sate

so for now we end this tale of whimsy

as I'm starting to feel a little bit mimsy

ehhhh homework and sniffles ehhhh

Daft Punk make it all better though. It's good music to listen to while doing homework because there aren't many lyrics so you don't get distracted trying to listen what the words are. I also like this kind of music because you can apply your own meaning and scenarios to the songs, I often find people like songs not because of what the artist wrote them about is something they relate to, but more because they have their own memories and ideas it invokes in them.

uuuurrrrrgggghhhh

it hurts

Sattin around

SO here i am just satting around and I felt like I had to post summit. I fought it might be fun to just misuse langwage for a bit. Sinse I spend so much time respectin the rules of grammar etc etc i like not worrying abowt doing everyfink right but still carrying my meening. I CN US TXTSPK LK IM WRTN N HRRY, 0R U53 101 5P34K C4U53 1M 50 1337. or i can just mispel words like i wos stil in primery shcool and onle use the most basik puncttoasion. siriuosly kids onle use comas and full stops but they dont know wen to use comas so thay onle put them owt wen finishd wiv ther fort, and Even Just Capitlaising The First Letter Of Every Word Is Kind Of Annoying To Some People Hot On Their Grammar And Who Feel The Need To Constantly Correct Each Other's Grammar, Sometimes Even In Spoken Conversations Which Is The Worst. or using the wrong homophones, something I simply can't bear. I hate when bares stair at me. Good grammar is scars these daze, or even words that just sound QUIET similar two each other. I field die half one a factory here again stammer, Und ich can even incorporate multiple languages, also ich sprechen Deutsch, English und nicht much neben.

Arrite I'ma done messin aroun here know whut i mean, blud badman ting man dem babylon hooligan raggamuffin lau it batty boi?

A thing called music

One of the things I most often hear about dubstep is that it's not 'real' music. That because it has no melody or vocals it has no meaning, no musical structure. I say that's poop. Did you know when the electric guitar was invented the general population thought it was the music of the devil, just screechy dissonance with no musical merit? Something the kids would get over in a matter of years, a fad born out of the youth's desire to rebel and be different to the previous generation. Then, as we all know Rock and Roll became the most succesful musical genre ever, capturing millions of people's hearts and souls, inspiring countless works and movements, bringing our culture out of the repressive early 20th century into the decadent, liberated times we live today.

Adults and the Elderly say similar things about dubstep now. It's 'Just noise' to them. I ask you, what is music if not 'just noise'? If dubstep is not real music, what about manufactured artists and bands like Justin Bieber or One Direction? They do not write their songs or their music, their moves are choreographed, their tours planned by managers, their sponsors decided for them. Is that 'real' music simply because it has words and a standard melody? What about beatboxing? Is beatboxing music? Of course it is. So is One Direction, so is Rock and Roll and so is dubstep.

One great thing I heard from the mother of my half-sister was that to her dubstep sounds like factory noises (that being why she didn't really like it when compared to her favorites such as Billy Joel or Ben Howard). I actually quite liked that because in a way she was right. What music could possibly sum up this generation better than the sounds of the factory? The school system: Churning out the future workforce with no regard to individuality, recognising special needs only when there is a bit of paper to authenticate it, forcing every malleable young mind through the same mold, acting like it is the fault of the product when the the assembly line has failed. The factory of our future. If Mozart was born today his genius would likely never have been properly nurtured. How could he focus on music, his life's work when first he had a legal obligation to sit through science and geography lessons, knowing full well his place was behind the piano and not scribbling down calculations and locations. If Mozart was born today, no doubt he would be called a drop-out and a lout. The factory is all we know, from age five to death. After we leave school we take our places in an even larger factory, but instead of the goods being handled we are the cogs of the machinery that keep it all running, the lubricant and the moving parts, the technicians and the button-pushers. If Rock and Roll was the sound of freedom, dubstep is the sound of seven billion caged monkeys.

What's the difference between a pun and a penguin?

Nun.

Finality

Don't you know I spill truth forthright,
consider yourself a learned man tonight,
it may be that you are none too bright,
but let that not deter you in search of the light.

It's known the only thing to dread is fear,
I contest that you should fear what is here,
as my words of terror penetrate the ear,
I know everything, see it like the seer.

I'm the prime master doomsayer,
If this is a game I'm the number one player,
the only thing that can save you now is your prayer,
cause they dubbed me the worlds greatest word slayer

If you choose this warning the one not to hark,
your puny little mind will be flooded with the dark,
my predictions are few, my predictions are stark
and I foresee for you a rough ride like the bark

If it comforts you, we are all in this boat.
Do not mistake my rhymes for a gloat,
any can hear it in the cry of the stoat,
we are all drowning, barely just afloat.

Emergent from the festering pit of hate,
for the human race it is far too late.
Now it is just the matter of the wait,
The only remnants are that which we create.

Armstrong and Miller - RAF pilots - D Day

Above is the Armstrong and Miller sketch in which they are rather genteel RAF pilots about to fight in 'D Day'.

Near the end of the scene the troop carrier lands on the beach. The commanding officer says 'Right! Company! Attention!' at which point the two men I presume to be Armstrong and Miller say:
'Why is he so strict, man?' to which his partner replies:
'I don't know man, he's like really uptight. Some people never relax on holiday, isn't it?'

The humor of the scene comes from a couple different techniques used here. One is the disconnect between the intense atmosphere caused by the dangerous situation at hand and the two RAF pilots who are not clued in to the gravity of the situation whatsoever, instead quipping at eachother and the commanding officer about the 'holiday' they are on.

Secondly is the fact that the two RAF men are seemingly emulating the lexis of modern youths, as evidenced by using fillers such as 'like' or referring to eachother as 'man'. What makes it comedic is that these two men seem to fulfill the extremely gentlemanly stereotype of early 20th century men, so for them to be using such modern colloquial words (or at least I think that's what they are doing, it could be some kind of other era-specific comedy) is wacky and absurd. It is also interesting that they utilize both frozen and colloquial register to create this effect.

There also is a visual gag in that every other man on deck is dressed for war with helmets, weaponry and other such utilities, while Armstong and Miller are wearing standard RAF uniforms, smoking from tobacco pipes and Miller is even wearing an inflatable rubber ring for what he assumes to be a frolic on the beaches of Normandy.

Alltogether the impression is created that these fellows are extremely out of their debt, with humor coming from the fact that they are completely oblivious to their folly and in fact quite discombobulated by the entire matter, being that they are completely out of their element.

More experimentation with site features

This is a Heading

followed by a sub-heading

And now a minor heading

and then back to normal text.

this is a lazy comedy device

A Lewis Carroll poem but in another register because homework

Carol: Oh, hello there dear, how was that... thing you were doing?

Lewis: You mean the Borogroves, dear?

Carol: I think so, are they the mimsy ones?

Lewis: Quite right! Yes, it was most bryllyg, but there was just one thing that I felt really held it back for me in terms of enjoyment...

Carol: Oh do tell, love, you know I would have been there if it weren't for the... the incident...

Lewis: Hush dear, let us not speak of that now on such a brembly day. Anyway, as I was saying, it was the slythy toves, you see. I know a good tove when I see one, but these were gyring and gimbling all over the wabe! It just simply won't do!

Carol: My, my, they don't brumel them like they used to you know. Just the other day I was renbling down to the local fariden when one glew right over me! Gave me the firght of my life, it did!

Lewis: Really? That's positively barmy! If that were me my mome raths would habe been in a total state of outgrabe! Not to mention the camlinfences!

Carol: Aye, these are troubled times indeed when a woman can't even herve to the nearby fariden without this kind of outlandish nonsense...

Lewis: Right you are, Car, right you are...




In case you didn't realize, this was the original four lines of the Jabberwocky poem made to look like it could potentially have been made of actual words when in fact it was mostly nonsensical gibberish. Here it is for comparison:

Twas bryllyg, and ye slythy toves
Did gyre and gymble in ye wabe:
All mimsy were ye borogoves;
And ye mome raths outgrabe.

I always quite liked it because it did at first fool me into thinking at first it was what I now know to be named 'frozen register', which it is actually not. Anyway, I decided to make it intimate to play with the idea that had these been real words in the English language (plus a few of my own made up words in the same vein) they would be used in conversation as if it was entirely normal. However, I added in lots of extra conversation filler to make it more accessible to those who are not completely insane, while making use of all Caroll's original gibberish and using some of my own where appropriate, allowing the reader to provide their own context and meaning to the situation. 

I had Carol refer to 'the incident' in order to further give the reader the sense that these two characters know each other well, and obviously they refer to each other with terms of affection such as 'dear', or perhaps more aimed at Bristolian readers, 'love'. Anyway I hope I did this right.