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So You Think You Are Normal: A Human's Guide

This is an ode, a love letter and an apology to all those out there who just wanted to be normal.

07/10/2013                    Isaac Hampson

Karl Pilkington, a man so normal that he's abnormal. Is this really the everyman?

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I wonder what the heck is this strange hairless little pink creature with the gangly limbs and wet holes in it's face. It's a wonder we can even tolerate each-other's presence, let alone be physically attracted to one another. Beyond our physical appearance, our behavior is positively absurd, particularly the ways in which we communicate. Say the word 'chomp' aloud to yourself. Weird, right? Think about the last time you saw someone applaud a performer. They liked what they saw, and they decided to show that by slapping the flesh of one hand into the flesh of the other hand, creating a strange 'clap' sound each time. What is the difference between a human clapping their hands and a gorilla beating it's chest? There is none!

As a human child, I wanted to be nothing more and nothing less than 'normal'. When I think about it now, I'm not really sure what that meant. Did I want to be an asian male with dark hair and brown eyes? No. But surely, as the most common archetype of appearance, that is normal. So already my idea of normal was skewed by my past experiences. Perhaps I had based it off of the cultural norms of my particular corner of the world? Did I want to be a humble office worker, going to work everyday from nine til five, going home to my average looking wife with two average kids, one boy and one girl? Heck no! If not that, it's possible I wanted to be whatever was 'normal' for me as an individual. Thinking about it though, it seems unlikely. Normal for me was 'a man who has a desk job and nothing bad ever happens to him'. My very idea of normal was abnormal, clearly I was doomed to be interesting from the start. As I grew up, I accepted that I would never be normal, and neither would anyone else. It was unattainable. Instead, I settled for life. I accepted my lot and decided to move on and do what I could with it.

The problem is, we are too accepting of everything. We don't ask enough questions! The other day, I found myself sitting on the bus home from college. Around me was a myriad of different persons, each one adorned with colorful fabrics and accessories. It reminded me of the humble peacock, whose success in mating is largely determined by the flamboyance of its tail. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! These little monkey-men had developed a whole aesthetic based on culture and opinion! Incredible! Furthermore, they had created a huge lumbering juggernaut of wrought iron and twisted steel, and put it to work as a mule carting passengers to and from their daily business, provoking little fear, awe or curiosity in it's riders! Naturally I was shocked by this self-realization, and my mind immediately set to work searching for more of these social phenomena. What other societal norms have we taken for granted? I had to know!

In the end I had to look no farther than myself. There I was, sitting on the bus pulling on my facial muscles in order to increase the width of my oral cavity because I had been amused by my thoughts. Most erratic behavior for a creature of Earth. Then I stepped off the bus with my awkward stilt-puppet legs, pivoting from one to the other. Looking at my feet, I wondered at the skill it took to continue my forward movement. First, I would lift up my forward foot. This would disrupt my balance, causing me to lean forwards. Then, swinging my arms to counterbalance my back leg, I bought it forward and placed it in front of me to steady myself. Then, my momentum carried me forward and I found that once again, I had overbalanced and would need to put my back leg in front of me to stay standing. My entire walk from the bus stop continued in this manner. By the time I got through the door of my house, I was constantly on the lookout for more examples of human behavior. Unfortunately, I became distracted by a glowing window through which I could see people like myself pretending to be ridiculous caricatures of humans. Transfixed by this magical portal to lands far away, I rested in my search for these abnormal conventions of everyday life.

The next time I woke up in the middle of a crazy bit of behaving was during a conversation between a few individuals. Listening to the cry of these rare and proud animals, I could not describe to myself exactly what a human sounds like. There was lots of gibbering and hooting, mixed in with clicks and coos. And this was in a language I have spoken all my life. Imagine my amusement when I spent some time in the company of a slightly different breed of human known as the 'Polish' people, named so for the arbitrary boundary between their territory and the rest of the world known as 'Poland'. Despite listening with all my focus, I could not discern a single ounce of meaning from members of my own species! What were these strange word formations coming out of their mouths? Even more amazing, the particular Polish human I had found myself attached to based on the strength of their social gibberish was able to freely switch between Polish language and English nonsense at will! A highly talented individual, clearly. It almost made me laugh out loud.

Laughter is a funny thing. I believe it to come from the same place as the hand-collisions we do that make the 'clap' sound. Laughter is supposedly something we developed as a way to communicate diffused tension. If you have ever been in some kind of trouble and felt under terrible pressure or stress at the time, then found yourself laughing with feelings of relief moments later, that is how laughter started. That strange, whooping cry was a way to say 'That tiger in the bushes over there turned out to just be George from down the road'. Somehow though, it entered our social processes. We enjoy the feeling of laughter, and causing others to laugh. Now we do it almost every day for no other reason than that it keeps us happy. How absurd.

But this raises an even more interesting point. As a child, I thought that if I grew up to be normal, that would be equal or conducive to growing up happy. But is being happy normal? I would like to say yes, of course, but this certainly deserves some deliberation. First of all lets look at the western world. Europe and America. These areas have the highest average quality of life ratings and yet also have the highest rates of clinical depression. Then we look at Asia, which has incredibly varied qualities of life due to the rich-poor divide. Like in the west, most people seem content with their lot in life, but conditions there are clearly less conducive to a comfortable lifestyle than we in England are used to. Finally, we look at Africa, a continent with some of the most unique and flavorful culture and people living humble but happy lives, but is also a sort of petri dish for humanity's greediest and depraved criminals, bending entire nations to their will. Not a single place on Earth would seem to be even close to paradise, at least not for everyone. If everyone has different ideas of what it is to be happy, how can we decide who is happy and who isn't? Was Adolf Hitler happy committing atrocities against ethnic minorities? If so, why did his hapiness have to come at the price of others?

Ah well. No answers will be reached here, and if they, they will be unimportant answers to unimportant questions.

Sorry if you're not normal anymore, it wasn't my intention to upset you.